


Unsay It

by lipsomniac



Category: LOONA (Korea Band)
Genre: 19th cy cliffside castle, F/F, You've been warned, hurt and no comfort, lots of remorse, there are ghosts, this is sad and painful
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-02
Updated: 2020-09-02
Packaged: 2021-03-06 16:33:22
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,076
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26251960
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lipsomniac/pseuds/lipsomniac
Summary: " Sooyoung has never known if she considers hell to exist or not, but she figures the metaphor stands. A pain greater than that she already feels could only be felt in hell. Somehow, she’s glad that there are layers of dirt underneath her feet, keeping her from going further down, falling into the pit. "or Sooyoung is alone at night reminiscing about the mistake she's made.
Relationships: Ha Sooyoung | Yves/Jo Haseul
Comments: 8
Kudos: 26





	Unsay It

**Author's Note:**

> So, huh... this came from a tweet where I said "I want to write a fic full of hurt and no comfort". And it got a bit out of hand...

Sooyoung opens her eyes. Everything is dark around her, and she can only perceive the undefined, moving shadows of the furniture of her bedroom. She shuts her eyes right back. She hates it when she can see the shadows, they look threatening, looming over her. Then again, it’s her fault that she hasn’t closed the blinds properly.

She only ever sleeps in full darkness, because she doesn’t want to see anything when she wakes up. She gets scared too easily. She knows she’s not alone in there.

Yet, it feels like she is. She can feel her sheets scattered and twisted in all directions all over her bed. The stiff fabric is touching her skin only around her legs.

She’s been moving around a lot in her sleep lately, her body unconsciously filling the gap left on the other side of the bed.

Sooyoung knows she needs to sleep more, but it’s too late. She’s seen the shadows. She can’t go back to sleep now. Not when she feels scrutinized by superior forces.

She extends her hand towards the nightstand, eyes still closed, grabbing the box of matches that she places there every night before sleeping. She opens it, and in one scratch, she lights up the room. Only does she open her eyes to make sure the flame reaches the candle safely.

She stares at is for a second. There is something in the motion of the wax gliding down that reminds her of the way she feels about her life now: she’s burning out, and slowly going down, her stroke only stopped when she hits rock bottom.

 _Is that what happens to things that burn too bright?_ she thinks to herself. _Do they consume themselves until there’s nothing but a hard surface to keep them from going straight into the depth of earth and into hell?_

Sooyoung has never known if she considers hell to exist or not, but she figures the metaphor stands. A pain greater than that she already feels could only be felt in hell. Somehow, she’s glad that there are layers of dirt underneath her feet, keeping her from going further down, falling into the pit.

But she knows that despite the potential inexistence of such a place, and despite the fact she’s guarded from it by hitting the cold hard ground, Sooyoung is still going through a purgatory that she’s designed for herself. She’s stuck in limbo, forced to think back on the wrong decisions she’s made, not being able to revert any of them.

Being imprisoned in her mind has always been a torment. Being submerged in unremitting waves of the memories of the seconds that turned her happiness to dust is a special kind of torture.

_“Is that really what you want? You want me gone?”_

Haseul’s words keep replaying in her head over and over again. Worse, her own words do.

_“Yes. And please never come back.”_

Sooyoung doesn’t even know how the fight got so heated. She only knows that they reached no return point. What is done cannot be undone.

Everything got out of hand.

She only wanted to tell Haseul to stop playing with her feelings. She wanted her to stop disappearing from her life, because it hurt. To stop coming back unannounced, because it made her so happy it hurt even more when she left again. She wanted Haseul to stay. And instead she told her to leave.

Haseul has always been a free spirit. Just like a bird following the wind, she comes and she goes into whatever direction she’s pushed into. Sometimes it’s closer to Sooyoung. Sometimes it’s away from her. But Sooyoung is more of a swan, swimming in still water. She stays where she built her nest, and she finds solace in having her fellows sticking around.

Just like a swan, Sooyoung tends to get aggressive, defensive. And this time, it went too far. She knows she shouldn’t have asked Haseul why she always left. She made it sound reproachful. She knows she should have been honest and said “I’m just scared you’ll leave me. I’m scared you don’t love me enough to stay. Please tell me you do”. But of course, it’s not what she did.

Sooyoung knows that _“if you want to keep walking into my life and out of it as you please, just go”_ wasn’t the right thing to say. And now it’s the only thing she ever hears, hammering her head when she wakes up in the middle of the night, and no one is by her side to hold her.

The night makes it harder. Not only because of the memories of the next morning on the beach making their way through her nightmares; but because of the realization that hits when she wakes up and can’t turn to Haseul for comfort. Haseul is gone. And it’s her fault.

She cannot back hug the other girl, holding onto her like a koala would hold its mother, nestling her head in Haseul’s neck and smelling the remnants of her flowery perfume. She cannot turn to face the other girl and meet her soft gaze. Oh, how much love and care she’s seen in the dark of her pupils... It’s all gone to waste now.

Sooyoung cannot intertwine her fingers with Haseul’s anymore, or let them run over the curves of Haseul’s body, giving her skin goose bumps that showed her how much effect she has. Had.

Now, her bed is empty. Loneliness and sadness are her only company. Them, and the ghosts in her bedroom.

And the ghosts in her bedroom? They’re looking at her and shaking their head as she curls up on herself. Even they know that she’s messed up. They’ve seen Haseul slam the door and walk away that night. And since then, even they have refused to talk to Sooyoung. Now they’re just haunting her room pointlessly and reminding her that there’s no way back. They won’t cup her cheeks and gently brush her tears off like Haseul did.

Sometimes, Sooyoung hopes that Haseul will join them. But even in death, Haseul seems to hold grudges. She won't come back.

Sooyoung is angry at herself for letting Haseul go that night. Maybe if she had told her to stay, Haseul would not have left the castle. Maybe she would have never gone to the cliff. Maybe the winds would not have pushed her away from Sooyoung one last time.

**Author's Note:**

> This is the first time I write mcd. This is also the first time I write in present tense, and the first time I actually _poured myself_ into the writing to get the emotions across and allowed myself more freedom in terms of form.  
> It feels like a whole new experiment to me, and I know I always ask for comments, but this time, I feel like getting your point of view would be even more meaningful. So please, comment. I need to know if I'm on the right track.
> 
> Follow me on [Twitter](https://twitter.com/lipsomniac). Ask questions on [Curiouscat](http://curiouscat.qa/lipsomniac). Support my writing on [Ko-Fi](https://ko-fi.com/lipsomniac).


End file.
